Thursday, June 02, 2005

True to Form.

I can’t always write about diabetes. Not lately.

Sometimes I feel like it’s too much on the forefront. I know the initiating purpose of this blog was to create an open forum for diabetes discussions and I feel that has been achieved. Between my blog and the talented company I find myself in, there are definitive forums for diabetics and their loved ones to come together and share. Or vent. Or just be reminded that they’re not alone. I find a lot of comfort in that. Not being alone.

I can’t always be Diabetic Kerri, though. I will test my blood sugar every day and be the Bolus Champion of the World but I don’t sit around thinking of myself as diabetic. It’s strange – so much of my life revolves around this endocrine core. I write about it. I talk about it. It is integrated into my daily routine. My friends and family are acutely aware of it. Even my cat seems to know when I’m dropping and wakes me up with her cold nose.

Lately, I have been thinking of nothing but numbers. Rising and falling blood sugar levels. Blood pressure numbers. Insulin to carbohydrate ratios. Fine tuning an aggressive exercise regimen. What’s my weight? What’s my A1c? What will my fasting sugar be in the morning? What is my cholesterol? How is my microalbumin level? What are the numbers? The numbers??? I was an English major in college, purely for the fact that I can’t add. Or multiply with any semblance of ease. And I think I may be slightly OCD. So dealing with all these numbers is making me crazy.

But I don’t want to think about it all the time. This is a venue for honesty, and I have to be honest: I am feeling overwhelmed lately. I have never felt sick before. No sicker than anyone else I knew, anyway. This whole bit with the cotton wool spot and my doctor’s recent allusion to a possible high blood pressure problem … my Brain and my Heart are having decisive battles over this information. Brain wants to find out more. Run more tests. Exercise and eat right and make diabetes my sole focus. Brain is frightened that Body will give out. And my Heart harbors the same fear, but a larger fear looms in the distance. I am afraid that, with my obsession with food, exercise, and all things mg/dl, I may miss out on the best parts of my life. What’s the point of all these neuroses if I forget to enjoy the life I’m working so hard to preserve? I need to have some fun.

I need to relax a little bit. I’m going to the beach this weekend. Napatree Point Beach is a twenty minute drive from my apartment and I’m there for the weekend. I am going to bring my friend Batman and my book and my new bikini. My pump site will make for an interesting tan line on my thigh, but other than that, I just want to take the weekend and mellow out. It’s been kind of a stressful last two weeks. I need to chill.

I’m trying to give more of myself than my numbers. I want to make it known that diabetes is just one facet of my life. Of who I am. So this explains the Top Five Game. (You guys were all fantastic players!) Even though I mentioned diabetes in that post, too. And I’m true to form on this post too, because even though I expressed my desire to write about something other than diabetes, this whole rant was endo-based. I don’t know how to separate myself from my disease.

Maybe that’s the point.

Coming Soon: A Post that will have NOTHING to do with Diabetes?

8 Comments:

At June 02, 2005 11:27 PM, Anonymous Pearlsa said...

Hi Kerri,

I am glad you are going to the beach this weekend it is important to take care of the whole you not just the diabetic you and your readers want to get to know Kerri not just diabetic Kerri.

Have fun and tell us all about your fun weekend.

 
At June 03, 2005 1:13 AM, Blogger Martha O'Connor said...

I think you're doing the right thing, Kerri. I always find the beach a really healing and relaxing place. {{{hugs}}} to Kerri!

 
At June 03, 2005 4:24 AM, Blogger Violet said...

Hello K. This is quite a tussle you describe. You nailed the tension: create a space to talk about the disease, yes, good, but then one wants simultaneously to fence it in, contain it, keep the space and the disease from overtaking the rest. To have a self not defined by diabetes.

It sounds like, as ever, you know how to take care of yourself, by which I mean of course the whole self. Have a wonderful weekend.

 
At June 03, 2005 10:51 AM, Blogger Shannon said...

I was thinking to myself...hmmm she's writing about not wanting to write about diabetes. I realized that you're simply writing a precursor to Off Topic subjects.

Your blog doesn't necessarily have to be about diabetes...or you can start another blog that has nothing to do with diabetes.

Choices, choices, choices.

Have fun at the beach chickie.

 
At June 03, 2005 3:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Miss Kerri, I am here to tell you something.... YOU WORRY ABOUT WORRYING TO MUCH!!! Right now you are embarking (sp? you know me i can't!) on a new part of your life and you are sharing it with the world. Your readers and friends are going to love to hear about everything that happens from our trip to the beach (where i know better then to bring my book because you will not let me read it) to the scary moment at the eye doctors. When you post you're inviting everyone into your life with your witty wording and great personality. I think I am off topic..what was my point again?? AHHH I remember...to be concerned about numbers is good, to be concerned about being concerned about numbers makes for a long tiring day. So lets go to the beach - get sunburnt and forget the worries of the week, month and maybe the last few months... hugs and smiles.....and batman signs in the sky....I AM BATMAN

 
At June 03, 2005 8:18 PM, Anonymous AmyT said...

I don't know, Kerri... somehow I seem to manage to integrate the worrying about diabetes quite nicely into the rest of my life. Maybe that's because I have three small children, a demanding job, and a household to run (oh yea, and a blog, yada, yada). Being mega-busy does wonders for taking the emphasis off SELF and related problems.

Now go enjoy the beach!

 
At June 06, 2005 4:33 PM, Blogger Tekakwitha said...

Kerri,

I was just reading your profile and laughed when I saw 'mocking people' as one of your interests. I think we'd get along well. :)

I'd love to read any post you have, about any non-diabetes related topic. You start, and then I'll join you with a story of my own on my blog!

Cheers -
Tekakwitha

 
At June 08, 2005 3:24 PM, Blogger Sandra Miller said...

Kerri,

I hope your weekend at the beach was both relaxing and rejuvenating. You deserve it.

As another English major, I can relate to your frustrations with having to always deal with the numbers. I never once imagined numbers could be so important to me-- or my son.

Anyhow, I look forward to reading more posts-- even if they have absolutely nothing to do with diabetes.

You're a fine writer. Keep it coming...

 

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